Bits & Pieces
A unique perspective on his survival
by Stroke Survivor and Comedian John Kawie
It’s time once again for Kawie’s Comedy Corner, the advice column that demonstrates how you can take command of your comedy writing without reducing your computer to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.
Today we will be addressing a very important topic: The half-baked wacky idea. These are the displaced orphans that never found a forever home because they were either too weak or inconsequential to support a whole essay. Funny — at least to me — lovable mutts that Marilyn thinks should be caged in a high-kill shelter. Whereas, I just want to open the door and set them free. She says, “John, there’s a fine line between an amusing original idea and a psychological disorder, and you crossed it.” Apparently, I’ve crossed that line a lot because I’ve got a laptop full of them.
So, let’s open the door…
IDEA #7: It was 2016 when the stroke survivor reality show concept was born. Always the overachiever, I came up with not one but two of them. The first was called “I DARE YOU.” (Great name, right?) The premise? Two stroke survivors try to make it across Queens Boulevard before the light changes. (And you thought “The Voice” was exciting.) Then there was “DANCING WITH THE STROKE SURVIVORS.” Tune in every week to find out who’s toes get stomped on next!
IDEA #16: These babies just keep coming. Such as “Careers You Should and Shouldn’t See in Rehab Vocational Training.”
Race Car Driver — Awesome! Perfect for the motorized wheelchair set because they can never grasp the difference between a race track and a rehab hallway.
Shop Teacher — Seriously? Not if you want to keep all 10 fingers.
Psychic Medium — Problem with clients on this one. Sure, you can conjure up Great Aunt Closinda in a séance, but you’ll never remember what she said.
Linebacker — Wouldn’t work...too many penalty flags for “necessary slowness.”
Rain dancer — A bit limiting if you’re hemiplegic because only half the crops would get watered.
IDEA #23: I’m on fire! Here’s the “Fabulous Holiday Gift Suggestions for Stroke Survivors” list:
Motivate your disabled couch potato with the “The Electro- Shock Barcalounger.” Available in 110 and 220 volts. Guaranteed to ambulate, not stagnate.
For the outdoorsman, there’s the “4-Wheel Drive Electric Wheelchair Pickup with Cane Rack.” Irresistible in gleaming special ops camouflage.
The “Star Wars Lightsaber Cane.” It’s a twofer. You’ll not only blend in at Comic-Con, people will get out of your way on the sidewalk — or should I say, “Out of your way people will get.”
I’ll spare you the rest.
Since the stroke, I sometimes wonder if I’m able to tell the difference between a clever idea and a crazy one. But that’s okay, I’ll take whatever I can get. It’s been 20 years since my CVA. Life has been filled with the usual ups and downs, cloudy days, loss and disappointment. Yet coming up with a bit, good or bad, that can make me laugh, always swings the weathervane in my direction. And that puts me on a better track.