A Unique Perspective on His Survival by Stroke Survivor and Comedian John Kawie
Exciting news for all you “helpful” Looney Tunes out there. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. Seriously, I’m fine. This taking-care-of-Kawie craze is over. You guys have been glomming on to me like ants on a Cheez Doodle at a picnic.
I’m sure there are more constructive things you could be doing with your time. In fact, here are a few employment opportunities that are right up your alley. Better hurry because in New York City these positions go fast:
NEWS ANNOUNCER: No experience necessary. Just show up at Washington Square Park and scream today’s headlines at the top of your lungs.
SALES POSITION: Nathan’s Famous hot dog stands. Frankfurter costume required.
COMMUNICATIONS: Ability to hold animated sidewalk conversation with beings from another dimension.
COLLECTIONS SUPERVISOR: Conduct custom campaigns such as “Can you spare some change?”, “Gotta dollar?” or “Please help me pay for my summer house in Montauk.”
And now I’d like to say goodbye to the few that really made a lasting impression.
Goodbye “Intrusive Impatient Lady”: Remember that time in my neighborhood Starbuck’s when I was putting a glove on my affected hand? You swooped in dive-bomber style, grabbed it and started jamming it on like a deranged person. Here’s what you said:
“I’m sure you can do this yourself, but you were taking for-ever!” Like it was my fault, when we both know it was my slowness that drove you crazy.
So long “Mangy Bus Guy with Meathooks the Size of Bench Grinders”: I’ll never forget that time yours truly was getting off the 2nd Avenue bus. As you were waiting to get on you snagged my arm and proceeded to forcefully drag me down the steps. It was like a controlled bellyflop toward the pavement. You said, and I quote, “Just tryin’ to help.” But I suspect you were rushing to get the only empty seat on the bus.
Adios’ “Beefy Guy That Gave Me a Coat Wedgie”: I was in the process of slipping my arm in the jacket sleeve when you snuck up behind me and thrust it up to my shoulders with such force that it boosted me off the ground. “There ya go buddy!” There I go? It was more like “We have liftoff.”
However, let’s not limit this to NYC. Here’s a special sayonara for the wackos that live in that remote wilderness I occasionally visit — Massachusetts.
A big wet au revoir to “Cane Packin’ Mama in the ’78 Chrysler El Humungo”: As I meandered down the sidewalk, you pulled up and announced, “Hey mister, looks like you could use a cane. I got a spare in the back seat.” “That’s okay,” I responded, “I’m more than able. Get it? Cane and Able!” Message received, because you floored it and got the hell out of there.
Dasvidaniya to “I-Feel-Your-Pain Crossing Guard”: When I arrived at the intersection you said you personally wanted to escort me across. Why? Because you banged your kneecap on the kitchen table and understood what I was going through. Hmm, brain injury from a bruised knee? I doubt it. Buttocks maybe, because sometimes brains show up there.
So thanks to all you well-meaning oddballs for driving me crazy. You’ve given me the greatest gift a stand-up comedian could hope for… material. Seriously.
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