Don’t (Do) Look Back
A Unique Perspective on His Survival by Stroke Survivor and Comedian
Historians have traditionally ignored stroke survivors. This column will attempt to right that wrong. But don’t worry; it won’t bore you with research because it’s based on personal fantasy and good old-fashioned guesswork.
Prehistory was difficult for stroke survivors. Hostile, vicious, person-eating predators roamed the earth. This made hunting and gathering no walk in the park. Actually, for stroke survivors, a walk in the park is no walk in the park. As a result, they hung out a lot trying to look busy. This sitting around in the guise of being engaged in productive work was the stroke survivors’ first contribution to human civilization, forming the underlying basis of many modern institutions — such as customer service, highway repair and the Department of Motor Vehicles.
The Ancient World
Yes, it was a time of ignorance and fear, of pestilence and famine, of extremely high B.O. levels. But there was fun stuff, too, like feasting, dancing and public beheadings. Yet how would stroke survivors get to these great activities? They’d bribe their chariot-owning friends to take them, thus establishing the inspiration for the modern-day Para-transit system.
Stroke survivors asked the question, “Who came up with the idea of wearing metal?” It was a dangerous time for two reasons: 1) the bubonic plague; 2) stroke survivors were lousy sword fighters
On the plus side, stroke survivor Ethelred the Unsteady discovered restraint therapy in the Tower of London.
Elizabethan Age and the Renaissance
In England, stroke survivor and fashion designer Sir Winston Halston designed a special collar that the queen wore to the opening of “Hamlet.” This became the inspiration for those satellite-dish cones they put on dogs after an operation. The huge painting and sculpting craze in Florence was great for stroke survivors because they got plenty of work as models. This turned out to be the perfect job because they didn’t have to get dressed in the morning. And in Spain, Columbus tried to recruit them as sailors. They responded, “Hey, we can barely stand on dry land and you want us to live on a boat?”
Man used his reason to discover the world. Sir Isaac Newton said there’s a force in the universe known as gravity. Stroke survivors said, “Duh!”
Age of Revolution
The western world underwent several revolutions. A French stroke survivor invented the guillotine, which he used on his own head because he couldn’t make change for a Franc. In the Colonies, Paul Revere yelled, “The British are coming!” Stroke survivors hollered back, “So what do you want us to do?”
Big technological breakthroughs in mechanization, steam power and mass production. Yet the streets were still horse-poop-filled cobblestones. Stroke survivors constantly slipped and took a header. The stroke survivor law firm Klutz, Walker & Stumble saw a market. Their ad in the 1820 Stroke Connection magazine read, “M’Lords and Ladies, hast thou befallen a fall? Give us a call.” And the first ambulance chaser was born!
Enter the digital 21st century. Here everything is “smart.” Too tired to drive? Your smart-car will take the wheel. At the office wondering if your arugula is limp? Your smart fridge can tell you. Need to communicate with dead Uncle Clarence? Yup, your smart phone has an app for that.
But here is what concerns stroke survivors: setting this stuff up is a cognitive nightmare. Nevertheless, we will adapt. History has taught us that.
This information is provided as a resource to our readers. The tips, products or resources listed or linked to have not been reviewed or endorsed by the American Stroke Association.