We Are the Champions
A Unique Perspective on His Survival
by Stroke Survivor and Comedian John Kawie
Bugle: Ba ba ba buppity ba buppity ba buh ba ba baaaaa. Ba ba buppity ba buppity buh buppity ba baaaaaaaaaa!
Bob Costas: Good morning! As you can tell by the shrill of that bugle playing “Reveille” another day has begun in the life of stroke survivor and American John Kawie.
Bedroom Commentator: This promises to be an exciting morning, Bob. John has already breezed through the Toothbrushing, Shaving, and Showering events, but you’re just in time because the Dressing event will be getting underway shortly. Bob, are you sure John is American? Stroke survivor I can see, but American? You might want to check your notes on that one.
Costas: It’s right here in black and white. The man is a U.S. citizen. But I can see your point: He doesn’t shop at Walmart, own a gun, or hate the French. Tell me, what obstacles has John overcome to create a human-interest factor for our broadcast?
Commentator: Well, he’s done numerous hell gigs across the United States, Pair-a-Dice Casino in Peoria being the worst. He ate a bad hotdog from a street vendor back in the ‘90s. Oh, did I mention the stroke left him hemiplegic?
Costas: Explain to our viewers what that means.
Commentator: It means that half his body is paralyzed. In this case, it’s John’s left half.
Costas: That can’t be fun. Any hemorrhoids?
Commentator: Not yet Bob, but stay tuned because he’s 68 years old, so there’s lots of bad stuff right around the corner.
Costas: Speaking of bad stuff, it’s time to pay the bills so here’s a word from our sponsor.
Announcer: Hi, we are a giant U.S. corporation with numerous subsidiaries. These offshore havens provide fantastic tax loopholes that save us billions. This money goes to our board of directors and CEO to support their lavish lifestyles. We also have to maintain our huge corporate 747. And let’s not forget, lobbyists don’t grow on trees. This is why you, the public, will continue to pay absurdly high prices for our products. Thank you.
Costas: No, thank you for my four facelifts. Now let’s go back to John’s bedroom and pick up the action.
Commentator: Just in time, Bob. Our viewers will get to witness what I consider the most exciting move of the Dressing event. The degree of difficulty is off the charts.
Costas: But it looks like he’s just lying on his bed.
Commentator: Don’t forget, John’s a 20-year stroke vet. The pros always make it look easy, but right now he’s pulling his pants up one-handed while using his bed as leverage. Look! Look! Did our viewers see that move?
Costas: It was so fast I almost missed it myself. Let’s go to instant replay. Yup, there it is. He pulled his pants up, zipped his fly and buckled his belt all in one move. Olympic material for sure. Does he always do it in that sequence?
Commentator: Always, Bob. You never buckle before you zip.
Costas: Now, let’s get a female stroke survivor’s perspective. Thanks for joining us, Yvonne. Could you explain to our viewers how the women’s event is different?
Yvonne: Two words, Bob: pantyhose and bra. I challenge any man to squeeze into what is essentially a sausage casing one-handed. Bra-wise, John, like most men, probably had a problem removing it one-handed. Well, just try putting one on!
Costas: Valid points. Well, we’re out of time, but don’t forget to tune in tomorrow to see how John handles the Cooking-Dinner event. It promises to be exciting.
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